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WARNING:
Q: What does the La. Dept of Waste do when it is through with a
garbage truck?
A: Clean it, paint it, and sell it to a Razorback as a Winnebago.
Q:What do you call an LSU girl followed by a Commodore (or Commode Door), a Rebel, a Gamecock, and a Gator?
A: Regular price, 4 bucks, 4 bucks, 4 bucks,4 bucks.
Q: What do you call 3 Rebel running backs standing shoulder to
shoulder?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What's the difference between the Ole Miss football team and a box of Rice Krispies?
A: Rice Krispies go in a bowl.
Q: Did you hear about the Bama grad that got fired from the M&M
manufacturer?
A: He kept throwing out all the "W"'s.
Q:How can you tell if a 'Dore has been using your computer?
A:There's white out on the screen.
Q:How can you tell if a Aggie has been using your computer?
A:There's writing over the white out.
Q: A LSU grad and a Gamecock both jump off a cliff at the same time. Who lands first?
A: The LSU grad because the Gamecock would have to stop to ask for directions.
Q: Did you hear about the Rebel fans that missed this year's game?
A: They saw a sign that said "LSU LEFT" so they went home.
Q: Why don't they put ice in drinks at College Station?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.
Q: How do you break an Auburn guy's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: Hear about the Mississippi guy who lost $50 on the football game?
A: He lost $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay!
Q: Why did the Bama man marry the cow?
A: He had to.
Q: Did you hear about the Florida athlete that won a Gold Medal at the Olympic
game?
A: He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed!
Q: Why don't they teach sex ed and driver ed at Ole Miss?
A: They don't want the mule to get too tired!
Q: Why don't you see many Tennessee Pharmacist?
A: They can't figure out how to put the medecine bottles in the printer!
Q. What is the definition of safe sex down at Auburn?
A. Placing a sign on the animals that kick...
Q. Why was the Vandy football team late for last year's game?
A. Because everytime they passed a sign for 'Clean Restrooms,' they did.
Q. How many Florida students does it take to make popcorn?
A. Eleven. One to hold the pan and ten to shake the stove.
Q: How do you castrate an South Carolina football player?
A: You hit his sister in the jaw!
Q: What is the difference between a pothole and a Bama fan?
A: You would swerve to miss the pothole!
Q: How many Alabama fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About 75,000. One to change the bulb, and 74,999 to stand around and talk about how great the old one used to be.
Q: What is 100 yards long and had 3 teeth?
A: The front row at a Alabama home game
Q: How do you get an Auburn Graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza!
Q: What was the first thing the Auburn graduate said to the LSU graduate after getting his degree?
A: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your order please?
Have you heard that Jackie Sherrill is running for sheriff of Starkville, MS?
-Yeah, he wanted to be closer to his players.
Heard about the guy who left 2 Tulane tickets on the dashboard of his car?
- When he got back he found his window broken and 12 more tickets!
Coach Saban got ship wrecked in the gulf and came across an Island where he came upon a bottle, rubbed it, and out popped a Genie. The Genie said you get 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, Steve Spurrier gets double.
Saban said "ok, give me a new boat to get off the island, who cares if Steve gets two boats," and *poof* there was his boat.
"Next I want a 10 year contract with LSU," so he got his 10 year contract but Steve got a 20 year contract.
So he thought for a momment and told the Gene: "For my third wish, Genie.....BEAT ME 1/2 TO DEATH!"
Apparently, an LSU Tiger, a Tennessee Vol and a Bama fan all died and went to heaven. But, they were each told that due to certain things they had done, they had to receive a little punishment. Their punishment would be determined by which of three doors they chose.
The Tiger chose door #1 and walked into a room with an angry bear. He heard a voice overhead, "Tiger Todd, you have sinned. You will spend the rest of eternity being mauled by this bear. "
Then the Vol chose door #3 and walked into a room with lots of poisonous snakes. He heard a voice overhead, "Vol Victor, you have sinned. You will spend the rest of eternity being bit by these poisonous snakes."
So the Bama fan took the only door left, #2. He walked in to find a huge, king sized bed with silk sheets and
feather pillows. The room was the most exquisite he had ever seen. He
turned and saw none other than Cindy Crawford. He was just about to get
excited when he heard a voice overhead," Cindy Crawford, you have sinned . . ."
Apparently a Gator and a Rebel died and went to hell. Once there, they met Lucifer, who took them to their eternal residence, rooms where they would be constantly forced to watch highlights of LSU victories against them in various sports while listening to Hey Fightin' Tigers, the LSU Alma Mater, and Fight for LSU.
Along the way, they saw this man next to a gorgeous woman, about 5'10", 32-20-28. They were flirting heavily.
The Gator asked Satan, "Hey, how come we get such horrible judgement, but he has it made?" Then Satan says, "No, dummy, that's HER punishment. That's a Bama grad."
Apparently Tommy Boy Tide and Bama Billy Bob wanted to go to Vegas to gamble. So they each saved up $300 to gamble with. So they get to Vegas and agree to split up. When one runs out of money, that one would find the other one.
Well, as luck would have it, Tommy Boy Tide lost all his
money at the craps table. So, he went to find Bama Billy Bob. When he
did, he saw that BBB had a bucket overflowing with quarters. TBT said,
"Man, BBB, is that a hot machine or somthn'?" BBB says, "Aw, yeah man.
Every time I puts in a dolla bill, it giv me back FOUR quartas!"
Then there were three UGA fans who wanted to see the Olympics in '96. Well, they lived in southeast Georgia so they had a way to go. When they got there, UGA fan 1 said, "Oh, shoot, I left the tickets back at home." UGA fan 2 says, "You moron. . . Wait, I thinks I gots me an idear." He saw some olympic athletic wear and a tennis racket. He put on the clothes, grabbed the racket, and walked up to the guard and said, "Hey, Pierre, USA, tennis." So the guard let him in.
Then UGA fan 3 saw some more clothes and a basketball. He put on the clothes, took the ball and walked up to the gaurd and announced, "Hey, Billy Bob, USA, basketball!!" And the guard let him in.
So the first UGA fan thought to himself, "Hey, I could do that." So he put on some more olympic athletic
wear, grabbed some barb wire, walked up to the gaurd and stated, "Hey, Johnny Boy, USA, Fencin'!!"
One day, a Aggie was visiting his LSU cousin, who was from Bunkie, to watch some football games. Before the games started, they went grocery shopping. The LSU student walked into a store, went up to an employee and said, "Ma'am, I'd like some 'taters, some 'maters, and some ernions." She supplied what they needed.
As they got in the car the Aggie said, "Man, you are SOOOO stupid. It's not 'maters', 'taters' and
'ernions', it's 'tomatoes', 'potatoes' and 'onions'. Let me show you
how it's done." So his cousin agreed. The next store they got to, the
Aggie walked up to an employee and said, "Sir, I'd like some potatoes,
tomatoes and onions. The employee looked at him and said, "You must be
an A&M grad." The Aggie looked proudly at his cousin and said, "Why
yes, I am. How could you tell? My beautiful speech?" The employee
said, "No, sir. It's because this is a furniture store."
One year, the Aggies were flying into Baton Rouge from College Station on a 4-engine jet. About 30 minutes into the flight the captain comes on the P.A. system. "Ladies and genltemen, we have a problem. We have lost an engine, but don't worry, we'll still make it to Baton Rouge, we'll just be an hour late."
30 minutes later, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Regretably, we have lost a second engine, but not to worry, we'll still get there, just two hours behind schedule."
30 minutes later, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Regretably, we have lost a third engine, but not to worry, we'll still get there, just three hours behind schedule."
By now the players and other flyers were getting restless. After all,
the game was at 7 and their flight was schedule for noon. So, 15
minutes later, when the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry, but we have
lost our final engine," the team captain stood and shouted, "Oh, let me
guess, we're gonna be FOUR hours late now?!"
There's a Gator Fan, a Mississippi State Bulldog Fan, an LSU Tiger Fan and a Tulane Greenie-Weenie Fan standing on a cliff.
All of the sudden the Gator yells, "This is for UF!!!" and runs and jumps off the cliff.
The Dawg is so impressed that he yells, "This is for the Bulldogs!!!" and runs and jumps off the cliff.
The Tiger, not to be outdone, yells, "This is for LSU!!!!" , grabbed the Tunlane Greenie and threw him off the cliff.
There was an Auburn fan, an Alabama fan and a Florida fan who had been caught by the Indians and were going to be made into canoes. The men were given one last request :
The Auburn fan asks for a knife and says " WAR EAGLE!"(whatever that means) -- and cuts his throat.
The Alabama fan asks for a knife and says "ROLL TIDE!" -- and cuts his throat.
The Florida fan asks for a fork and starts to stab himself and says, "You ain't makin' no canoe out of me!"
Actutal Quote:
Quarterback for Florida State, Casey Weldon, when told he would have a seat at the Grammy Awards next to Ringo Starr, said, "Who's SHE?"
There was this guy who LOVED LSU football. The only problem was that he lived in the northeast and it was nearly impossible to make any games. It was his dream to go to Tiger Stadium to see the Tigers play Alabama. One year, he scrimped and saved and cut every corner possible, and he was able to buy a ticket.
Unable to afford a plane ticket, he hitchhiked to the game, and got to his seat (way up in the nosebleed section) ready to watch his dream game. His seats really suck. He's way in the middle of nowhere, and even has a pole in front of him that he has to lean sideways to see around, but at least he's there!
He's scanning the crowd, and he sees that ONE seat, way down in the middle, only 5 rows off the 50-yard line is empty! Jesus, how the heck could someone pay that much for a ticket and not show up!?!? This is driving the poor guy crazy, so he has to find out what's going on.
During halftime, he runs down and makes it to the empty seat. It's a 2-person box, and there is a guy in the other seat.
He says, "Is that your seat?"
The guy says, "Yeah, it's my wife's seat. We come here together every year."
He says, "Well, where is she?"
The guy says, "She passed away..."
So, he says "Geez... Sorry to hear that. So, why'd you come alone?"
The guy says, "I couldn't get anyone to come with me."
He says, "What? Are you nuts? You couldn't find a friend or brother or cousin, or ANYONE?!?!?!"
And the guy says "Nope. They all wanted to go to the funeral."
A UF sorority girl walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The Florida girl looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go. The UF blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning!"
An insurance salesman was in the Alabama backwoods calling on customers when he came across a house behind a large field. Making his way to the home he noticed a man in the field getting it on with a sheep. The sight disgusted him but he proceeded to the house.
The salesman knocked on the door when a young boy answered.
"Can I help ya mister?"
"Well, to be honest with you, I am here to sell you insurance but on the way in, I noticed a stranger in your field harassing one of your sheep!"
"Its ok " said the boy, "Thats just my daaa a a a a aaaaaad."
A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a good Arkansas joke.
"Listen buddy," the bartender growled, "see those two big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Razorback football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Arkansas. That guy in the corner was Arkansas' all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in three sports at Arkansas. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to tell your joke here?"
"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
Q: What do you have when a Starkville fan has drool comming out of both sides of his mouth?
A: A well ballanced trailer.
Two Bama fans were in a bar one night bragging about their latest accomplishment. The bartender noticed the two guys bragging to the women and curiosity got the best of him. "What's the good news?" he asked.
One of the men turned to the bartender and proudly said "Me and Bama Bob just put a puzzle together and it took us a year!"
"A year?" the bartender asked, "You guys are proud of that?"
"Hell yes!" said Bama Bob, "The box said up to four years!"
Directions to Tulane: West 'till you smell it. South 'till you step in it!
You know there is one huge advantage that Alabama alums have. They can park anywhere they want, even in handicapped parking spaces. All they have to do is put their diploma in the back window!
Last week I was at an Ole Miss game. The PA announcer asked for everyone's attention. He said, "would the lady who lost her eleven retarded children please come get them, they are leading our Rebs 14-0!"
After the football game, this LSU fan and Tulane fan were involved in a bad accident on a deserted road. The LSU fan knew he was at fault. He got out of his car to see if the Tulane fan was alright. Fortunately, neither of the men were seriously hurt. While waiting for the police to arrive, the men started chatting. The LSU fan said how foolish it was to hold such contempt for the other's team. After a short while, the LSU fan went to his car to get a bottle of wine to celebrate their new friendship. He offered it to the Tulane fan, who proceeded to down half of the bottle. As the Tulane fan started to pass the bottle to the LSU fan, he was interrupted by the LSU fan, who told him, "No thanks. I think I'll wait until after the police are gone".
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